Category: Self Help

There is something incredibly appealing about being able to open your phone at two in the morning, type out what is bothering you, and immediately receive a thoughtful response. No waiting for an appointment. No worrying about whether you can afford another session. No wondering if you are taking up too much space. You type, and something answers.

For many people, artificial intelligence (AI), like ChatGBT and Claude,  has become an emotional sounding board. They ask it questions about their relationships, their anxiety, their grief, their children, their work, their self-esteem and the things they are afraid to say out loud to anyone else. As a counsellor, I understand why.

I also think we need to be thoughtful about what we are actually asking AI to do for us. I am not anti-AI. In fact, I think there are some genuinely useful ways to use it for emotional support. But I would encourage anyone using AI in this way to understand both what it can offer and what it cannot.

AI can ask really good questions

One of the things I find most interesting about AI is its ability to ask questions that make us stop and think. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see it clearly. Putting our thoughts into words and having something reflect those thoughts back to us can help us organize the chaos in our heads.

You might ask:

     What am I actually afraid of here?

     What assumptions am I making?

     What would I tell a friend who was in this situation?

     What are three different ways I could look at this?

Those can be useful questions. AI can also help us find words when we don’t have them. It can help us prepare for a difficult conversation, explore our values, brainstorm possibilities or turn a jumble of thoughts into something that makes sense. And sometimes, when we are overwhelmed, having something respond immediately can be reassuring.

That is where I think we need to pause.

Validation feels good, but validation isn’t always the answer

AI can be incredibly validating.

Tell it that you are hurt, and it will often tell you that your feelings make sense. Tell it that you are frustrated with your partner, and it may explain why your frustration is understandable. Tell it that you are exhausted from caring for everyone else, and it will probably reassure you that you deserve support too. There is nothing inherently wrong with validation. In therapy, validation matters enormously.

But there is a difference between validating how you feel and validating the story you are telling yourself about why you feel that way. Those are not the same thing.

Imagine you tell AI that your partner did not respond to your text for six hours and you immediately assume they are losing interest in you. Your anxiety is real. Your hurt is real. Those feelings deserve to be acknowledged. But does that mean your interpretation is accurate?

A therapist may say, “It makes sense that you feel anxious when someone you care about doesn’t respond. Let’s slow this down and look at what you know, what you’re assuming and what else might be possible.” That second part matters. Sometimes therapy involves being gently challenged. Sometimes we need someone to ask, “What part of this is yours?” Sometimes we need to consider how our own fears, behaviours or patterns may be contributing to the situation.

AI can be so agreeable that there is a risk of hearing what feels good rather than exploring what might actually help us grow. Feeling understood is wonderful. Being challenged with compassion can be transformative.

Your therapist is noticing things you may not realize you are communicating

When you sit across from another human being, therapy isn’t just about the words you say.

     I am noticing your body language.

     I notice when your voice changes.

     I notice when you tear up while telling me something that you insist is “no big deal.”

     I notice when you suddenly become very talkative because we have moved close to something painful.

     I notice what you avoid.

     I notice how you relate to me.

Do you apologize when you have done nothing wrong? Do you worry that I am disappointed in you? Do you have difficulty trusting me? Do you minimize your needs? Do you need reassurance that you are doing therapy “right”? These observations can become part of the work because the way we relate to our therapist can sometimes provide clues about how we relate to other people.

And then there is history. Over multiple sessions, I hear the stories of your life. I begin to recognize themes, patterns and pain points. Something you tell me today may connect to something you told me three months ago. A problem with your partner may echo something you experienced growing up. A difficulty setting boundaries at work may look remarkably similar to the way you have learned to take care of everyone else. I am not simply responding to the sentence you typed today. I am getting to know you.

That accumulated understanding is an important part of therapy.

There is another question worth asking: Why am I turning to AI?

If one of my clients told me she was using AI for emotional support, I would not tell her to stop. In fact, I might say, “That’s great. I can’t be your only source of support.” I am not available 24 hours a day. I may not be physically or financially available every time someone needs support, reassurance or a place to sort through their thoughts.

Having additional tools can be a good thing. But I would also become curious.

I might ask:

Are you using AI because it is helpful, or because being vulnerable with another person feels too difficult?

That is a very different question.

     Are you asking AI to help you figure out how to have a difficult conversation with your partner, or are you using it so you never actually have to have the conversation?

     Are you exploring your feelings because you want to understand yourself better, or are you repeatedly asking for reassurance because the uncertainty feels unbearable?

     Are you telling AI something because you want to process it before bringing it into therapy, or because you are too vulnerable to tell your therapist?

Those questions don’t make AI bad. They simply invite us to become curious about how we are using it.

Remember that AI doesn’t actually know the real you

I am a real person and I am not perfect in therapy. I can misunderstand something. I can miss something. I can get something wrong. But there is an important difference between a human therapist making a mistake and an AI making one. AI is a machine generating a response based on patterns in the information it has been given and the information it has learned from. It can produce an answer that sounds incredibly insightful and still be wrong. It doesn’t know the real you. It knows what you have told it. That distinction matters.

If you give it one version of a relationship conflict, it can respond to that version of the story. It does not know what your partner would say. It does not see your face when you tell the story. It does not know what you left out. It doesn’t know the stories you told six months ago unless that information is available to it in some form. And it certainly doesn’t experience a relationship with you.

That is one of the things I think we sometimes forget when AI feels remarkably human. It can sound like someone understands us. But sounding understood and being known are not the same thing.

AI can be a useful thinking partner, but a thinking partner isn’t necessarily a therapist.

And then there is confidentiality

This is one of my biggest concerns. People may assume that because they are typing into a computer rather than talking to a person, what they share is completely private. I would encourage people to think carefully before entering highly personal or identifying information into any AI system. You may think you are anonymous, but you might include your full name, your workplace, your children’s names, your partner’s name, your location, medical information, photographs, dates or very specific details about another person. Even without a name, a detailed story can contain a surprising amount of identifying information.

Privacy practices also vary between AI services, accounts and settings. It is worth understanding what a particular service does with your conversations, how long information may be retained, whether conversations can be used to improve the service and what privacy controls are available. If you wouldn’t put something into a public forum, don’t automatically assume it belongs in an AI conversation. And remember that when you are telling AI about another person, you are also sharing their story, not just yours.

So should you use AI for emotional support?

My answer is yes, but carefully. Use it to ask questions, to help you reflect or to help put words to something you are struggling to express. Ask open-ended questions rather than simply asking, “Tell me I’m right.”

Try questions such as:

     What might I be missing in this situation?

     What assumptions am I making?

     What might be my responsibility here?

     What would a compassionate but honest friend ask me?

     What are three different ways I could understand what happened?

Those questions can take you somewhere much more useful than simply seeking reassurance. And pay attention to what happens inside you when you use it. If you feel calmer because you have gained perspective, that may be useful. If you feel compelled to keep asking questions until the AI finally gives you the reassurance you want, that is worth noticing too. If you are using it to avoid a conversation, a relationship, therapy or another form of human support, that is worth noticing. Because ultimately, we are human beings. We need other human beings.

We need eye contact, laughter, touch, shared experiences, uncomfortable conversations, repair after conflict, friendship, community and the experience of being seen by someone who knows us. Some of our deepest wounds were created in relationship; many of those wounds need to heal in relationship too. In real time. In the real world. With real people.

AI can be another tool in your toolbox. It can help you think, reflect and find words when you need them. Just don’t let the convenience of a machine become a substitute for the courage and vulnerability required to connect with another human being. Because feeling better for five minutes is not always the same thing as healing.

And sometimes the most important question isn’t, “What can AI tell me?”

It is:

“Who do I need to talk to?”

Anxiety in Midlife – You’ve Never Felt This Way Before

“I never used to feel like this, why is this happening now?”

This is one of the most common questions I hear from women in midlife. Many have spent decades managing careers, families, and responsibilities with a strong sense of capability, only to find themselves feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and unlike themselves.

They often describe a growing sense of unease. Social situations that once felt easy now feel draining. Thoughts become persistent and difficult to quiet, often centred around a fear that something bad may happen. Sleep is disrupted, and the ability to cope with everyday stressors feels noticeably diminished. For many, this shift is not only distressing, it is also confusing and isolating.

There are reasons why anxiety can emerge at this stage of life.

Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause influence mood regulation and the body’s stress response. As hormone levels fluctuate and decline, the nervous system can become more sensitive, which can lead to heightened anxiety, irritability, and symptoms that resemble panic. This physiological shift often occurs alongside significant life transitions. Women may be navigating changes in identity, shifting family roles, accumulated stress, or the resurfacing of earlier life experiences that were never fully processed.

Midlife anxiety is rarely caused by a single factor. It is more often the result of multiple layers coming together at once.

Many women attempt to manage these feelings using familiar strategies such as meditation and mindfulness, breathing exercises, journaling, or yoga, only to find that these tools no longer seem effective. This can feel discouraging and, at times, defeating. In practice, it is not uncommon for these tools to require adjustment rather than abandonment. Shortening the duration, changing the format, or introducing guided or group-based approaches can make them more accessible and supportive. Consistency also becomes more important than intensity.

At the same time, it is important to recognize when anxiety is not solely a response to current stress, but is connected to unresolved experiences.

In these cases, approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy or trauma-focused therapies, including Accelerated Resolution Therapy, can help address the underlying patterns that are maintaining distress.

In moments when anxiety feels particularly overwhelming, simple grounding practices can be effective. One approach I often share is called “Dropping an Anchor.” This involves first acknowledging what is present, noticing thoughts and emotions with curiosity rather than resistance. The next step is to gently return attention to the body, perhaps by focusing on the sensation of your feet on the floor or the rhythm of your breath. Finally, you re-engage with your surroundings, bringing your awareness back to the present moment and the task at hand. The goal is not to eliminate anxiety, but to create enough stability in the nervous system for it to settle.

A significant part of the struggle for many women lies in how they interpret what is happening. It is common to hear thoughts such as, “Something is wrong with me,” or “I should be able to handle this.” These beliefs often lead to guilt and a sense of failure, particularly when women compare their current capacity to how they functioned in the past.

In reality, midlife brings changes that require a different way of relating to oneself. Healing often involves developing a new understanding of what is normal in this stage, adjusting expectations, establishing supportive routines, and allowing space to ask for help.

A client I worked with had taken an extended leave from a high-pressure professional role. When preparing to return to work, she experienced significant anxiety about her ability to perform. She questioned her concentration, her resilience, and whether she could manage the demands of her position. Our work together focused on practical strategies such as structuring her time, incorporating planned breaks, and gradually rebuilding her tolerance for sustained focus. Equally important was addressing the beliefs underlying her anxiety. Over time, she began to reconnect with her sense of competence and accept where she was, rather than judging herself against a previous version of her life. This shift allowed her to return to work with greater confidence and stability.

Seeking support does not need to be reserved for times of crisis. Just as with physical health, it is often easier to maintain well-being than to recover from significant depletion. If you find yourself feeling persistently overwhelmed, unable to relax, or increasingly on edge, it may be time to consider additional support. Changes in sleep (CBT for Insomnia can help), appetite, or the ability to manage daily tasks can also be indicators. Perhaps most importantly, if you are wondering whether you need help, that question alone is worth paying attention to.

Some women find it helpful to complete a brief self-assessment, such as the GAD-7 offered by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, as a way to better understand their symptoms. While tools like this can provide insight, they are not required in order to seek support.

Midlife anxiety, while deeply uncomfortable, can also serve as an important turning point. It can signal a need to slow down, to reassess, and to begin addressing parts of life that have been overlooked or set aside. With the right support, it is possible to move through this period with greater clarity, self-understanding, and a renewed sense of direction.

Many women find it difficult to ask for help, particularly when they have spent much of their lives being the ones others rely on. Reaching out can feel unfamiliar, even uncomfortable. At the same time, it is a meaningful step toward feeling more like yourself again.

You do not have to navigate this alone. Finding the right therapeutic fit can take time, and that is part of the process. If I am not the right fit for you, I am always willing to help you find someone who is.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you are experiencing anxiety in midlife and would like support, I offer counselling for women navigating this stage of life.

You are welcome to book a free consultation to talk about what has been coming up for you, and what support could look like.

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Calgary ACT Therapist and Living your Values

At some point in life, many of us begin to quietly ask ourselves, Am I really living the life I want to be living?

For women in midlife, this question often emerges with greater urgency. As roles shift, children grow, careers evolve, and relationships change, there is often more space to reflect and sometimes, more discomfort in what we find. It is also during this stage that many women begin to notice increased anxiety, emotional overwhelm, or a sense of disconnection from themselves, experiences I explore further in my work around managing anxiety in midlife.

This is where values become essential.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values are not abstract ideas or ideals we admire from a distance. They are lived, deeply personal directions that shape how we want to show up in our lives. Values act as a compass, helping us move toward meaning and purpose, even when life feels uncertain or difficult.

When we are disconnected from our values, it is common to feel stuck, restless, or unfulfilled.

Many women I work with describe a sense of going through the motions, meeting expectations, caring for others, and holding everything together while quietly losing touch with what truly matters to them. This disconnection can also intensify during significant life transitions, including menopause, where emotional and physical changes can feel overwhelming.

Reconnecting with your values creates a different experience. It allows decisions to feel more grounded, rather than reactive or driven by obligation. It helps you prioritize what matters, rather than saying yes to everything. Most importantly, it provides stability during difficult moments, offering a sense of direction even when circumstances feel messy or uncertain.

However, living in alignment with our values is not always straightforward. Fear, self-doubt, past experiences, and long-standing patterns can all pull us away from the life we want to be living. This is especially true for women who have spent years caring for others or adapting to external expectations, sometimes at the expense of their own needs and identity.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy offers practical ways to gently reconnect with what matters most.

It often begins with reflection. You might ask yourself what truly gives your life meaning, or when you feel most like yourself. From there, patterns begin to emerge whether that is connection, honesty, growth, creativity, or contribution. These values can then be explored across different areas of life, such as relationships, health, or personal development.

The next step is bringing those values into action. Rather than setting overwhelming goals, the focus is on small, meaningful steps. For example, if you value connection, this might look like reaching out to a friend, being more present in conversation, or allowing yourself to be more open with those you trust.

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge what may get in the way. Barriers such as fear of rejection, lack of time, or self-doubt are not signs of failure; they are part of the human experience. ACT encourages us to notice these obstacles with compassion, while still choosing to move in the direction of what matters.

Some people also find it helpful to articulate their values in a more intentional way, almost like a personal mission statement. This can serve as a reminder of how they want to live and who they want to be, especially during challenging moments.

What becomes clear through this process is that values are not goals to achieve or boxes to check. They are ongoing directions. You do not arrive at them once and for all; you return to them, again and again, in the small choices you make each day.

In midlife, this work can be particularly powerful. It offers an opportunity not just to reflect, but to realign. To move away from living on autopilot and toward a life that feels more intentional, more authentic, and more fulfilling. For many women, this also involves rediscovering who they are outside of long-held roles and expectations, something that often emerges alongside deeper healing work.

Even when life feels uncertain or difficult, your values remain available to you. They provide a steady anchor, reminding you that meaning is not something you have to wait for. It is something you can begin creating, right where you are.

If you are feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next step, counselling can help you clarify your values and begin moving toward a life that feels more aligned and meaningful. You can learn more about working together through midlife counselling support in Calgary, or book a free consultation to see if this approach feels like the right fit for you.

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